Last week was a great week for both SwagHer Magazine and myself. I stepped out on faith, and it paid off big time. I am not one to say it is not about who you know but what you know. I strongly disagree. One thing Karlyn always stressed to me was to surround myself with like minded positive people and that is what I have been doing. I know that it is paying off.
Today I feel so motivated and inspired. I feel good. For those that know me personally, then you know this is not common. I am the world worse worrier. I guess it is the Libra in me that looks at both the good and the bad, but lately things have been good.
Last Sunday, I spoke with Gavin Richard, author of Katrina, and he agreed to do a blog talk radio show with me. I am so excited. I asked Gavin, because he wrote Katrina at the age of something like 22. How many Black men do you know of writing non-fiction books at the age just to prove a professor wrong for talking bad about their city. Gavin's city is New Orleans by the way, so you know he has swag.
Friday, I met with the web designer. She has been trying to explain to me where we can implement advertising on the site. I wanted to be positive that I understood everything before actually trying to sell the space, but to be honest I am so ready to sell, because at this time, I do not make a single dime. I only make expenses, but in my heart I know they are going to pay off. SwagHer is my calling. I can feel it. Anyway, so as we are sitting there talking I began to tell her about some of the problems I have been encountering with publishing and some of the things I do not like about the site. Guess what we came up with...we are not only going to redo the site, we are going to move it! I am so excited and that also means we will have a new SHORTER URL. That may be small beans to some but to me who has to call that out, but for me it is a relief. We should have things up and running by the new year.
Saturday, I interviewed Kim Bullock aka Brown Suga of Brown Suga Radio. What intrigued me about Brown Suga was her current situation. I am not going to get into her situation at this time, but I will say her faith is strong and I admire that. By the way, Brown Suga is from Las Vegas, NV. Notice how we are growing further out. Her article is going to be a good read.
Sunday, I interviewed Stephanie Alva, owner of My Life Keys. Stephanie is a life coach who is really doing her thing. She has demand all over the globe. I was appalled when her publicist contacted me, but it was hard to get into her schedule. She is based in Atlanta. For our interview, I had to set Atlanta time on my iPhone world clock. Even after doing this, I took a nap and then woke up and read the e-mail and then thought I had another hour to do it. I almost missed the Great Alva again! Luckily she called me back and had a few minutes to talk before an engagement she had. The interview was great. She had gave me a story within fifteen minutes! As we ended our call, I apologized again for not calling at the scheduled time and was explaining how busy I had been. She told me this, "Don't worry about what all you have to do. Keep your mind focused on the end result. Don't worry about the advertising. Don't worry about the stories. Think about the end result, you will be a publisher. You will be a writer." I needed those words at that time, because even as I blog I am exhausted from this weekend. Yet someone told me the same thing on Twitter not too long ago. I had been worrying about not having writers, but i did not want to look for any because I was afraid they may not have been serious and committed. @SugartheGirl told me to just continue writing and they will come. She was so right. I have gained two new writers and two poets. I got them at times when though I needed them, I was so focused on just getting the job done that I was not worried about it, but it happened.
The little secret, I mentioned on Facebook the other day is.... Matthew and I got married Friday! It was very small and private. We went to the justice of the peace, but we are planning to have a ceremony once we are better situated financially. I keep looking at my ring, trying to believe it. I have only shared this here. No where else, and I would kind of like to keep quiet just a tad bit longer.
Sooo... that is a review of my week as I stepped out on faith.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hailey
Today is a special day for me. Five years ago on this day, I gave birth to my youngest daughter, Hailey Serena Derkota Felder. Yet while this is a special day, it is also a sad one. Hailey is my daughter I have been fighting for custody for almost two years. It has been the hardest experience of my life. It has also been my motivation.
Custody battles are something I had only heard about on TV. I remember the day when my mother called me while on I was on the interstate leaving Baton Rouge on my way to Mississippi for my other daughter's (Dylan) fifth birthday party. I had been working extra hard to make sure I had gotten all the things she had asked for, a necklace and earrings and some other toys. My mother had gotten her a ring, which was the thing she had wanted the most. We were working extra hard to make sure her birthday was a good one because, unlike Hailey and her dad, Dylan's dad has never been a part of her life. She had only saw him maybe two or three times then, and I had to drive hours to the state's penitentiary for that. I was so busy trying to play mama and daddy to one daughter, I had not given much thought to losing the other to a man who though then claimed to love her but before would not claim her and would not even visit her or help with anything.
When I accepted the job here in Baton Rouge, I thought I was doing a good thing getting away from D., Hailey's dad. I was 23 at the time and he and I had been messing around since I was 18. 17 actually, because he promised to take me on a date the summer before my birthday but stood me up and then he resurfaced and took me out the week before my 18th birthday. From that day on, I was in love. The thing with D. was he would come around for periods of time and then disappear. Not many people knew him, so I had no way of knowing what was going on. Finally someone told me he had a girlfriend that lived out of town. He disappeared from December until about April of the next year. He waltzed back into my life claiming he wanted to be with me and then disappeared again. I remember addressing a graduation invitation to him with hopes of him, but he never showed up so...
That time, I said I was done with him and resumed my relationship with my son's father. Soon after, I discovered I was pregnant. Although I was with Demetrius, I was so afraid it could've been D's, so I told Demetrius about my one night rendezvous with D. He began to tell me well he could not have any more kids. I was nineteen at the time and believed him. Plus I did not want to have another baby for him when he had not ever been around to help with my son, because he was always in training school or jail. Shortly after he was back in jail again, and D. came back again. He knew I was pregnant, but he never really stepped up. I had my daughter at 7 and half months. Because I had already had my son at 6 months the doctors were worried and kept in the hospital for almost five days before deciding it was time for me to have her. D. came to the hospital and sat with me once. I had been rushed to Jackson a city an hour and a half away from my home because they were better equipped, and he was staying in Jackson attending barber school. The day decided to take my baby, just happened to be the day I had finally allowed my mother to go back home, because they had said earlier it would not be the day. However, D. was already supposed to been coming to see me. About an hour after she left, the doctor checked me and said it was time. I wanted to wait because I did not want deliver alone. I had already done that before, and D. was supposed to be on his way anyway.
The whole time while waiting on the epidural to kick in and the cleaning and all of that, I kept expecting him to show up but he never did. I was terrified. I was worried about my delivery but I was also so worried that maybe he had been speeding and had an accident or something. I remember praying for him on the table. I delivered my daughter alone. When the medicine wore off, I could not wait to call him, but he never answered. This went on for days. Somehow my mother reached him one day and he said he would go and see the baby. Those were some of the most depressing days of my life. I remembered asking him what name he liked and him telling me Dasia, so that is what I named the baby, but after he never showed up, I changed her name to Dylan. I got so depressed that I got sick and to be hospitalized again. He only answered the phone for me because I called from the hospital number. I do not remember what he said. When I came home, that is when his girlfriend called asking me the things she had heard.
For a while we did not talk. Then he came around because his parents took a liking to Dylan. They only had boys and no grandchildren. We were going to apply for child support and although he was in agreement the case worker ordered us to do a paternity test, which is when we discovered Dylan was not his daughter.
I was just as shocked as he was, but I suppose he never got over it because it damaged his and his girlfriend's relationship. His parents claimed they understood, and I honestly thought they did. He and I did not talk for months but I began to see him again after growing tired of my abusive boyfriend, who I thought would be able to replace those feelings I had for him. I had never stopped loving him, and I thought we were going to be together one day. He told me he was with his girlfriend because he needed her support to finish school. I believed him.
I know the exact day, Hailey was conceived. I remember it clearly because he kind of freaked out during it, and it kind of hurt my feelings. A couple of weeks later, I remember us sitting on the side of the bed and him telling me, "We both know what you need to do." To this day, I get teary eyed when I hear him say that, but I tried to explain, I could not bring myself to do such a thing.
I tried to continue on my relationship with Angry Man as I will refer to my abusive boyfriend, but had I stayed with him he probably would have killed me. I was once again faced with the worries of not being totally sure. D. never said he and I would be together but he always said you never know what may happen in the future. We continued to see each other throughout the pregnancy but I never felt comfortable trying to just put my unborn child on him.
I delivered Hailey alone as well. By this time, my mother was in prison, so I was already having to take care of my other two children alone. I was doing ok, but having to do everything alone while working 10-14 hour shifts was hard. Twice they had to stop my labor. Of course, the worrying played a big part. I had even tried talking with a profit, and to be honest everything he told me was true or came true but he could not tell me which man was the father of my baby. He did tell me that my child would be a prophet as well and instructed me to anoint her by drinking oil and rubbing oil over my belly. I tried it but I still do not know.The night I finally delivered, the doctor told me to leave his office and drive straight to the hospital. He never said I was in labor but by then I could tell, and I could not tell him before I drove to the hospital I had to make sure I had my other two children situated.
I gave birth to Hailey and she was 4lbs and 9oz, the combined weight of my son and other daughter. That was my hardest delivery. I have always had cesareans because of how young and small I was when I had my son.I began having anxiety attacks while they were preparing me before the procedure, so they had to stick me quite a few times before I actually received the epidural. I was back in Jackson, so I only had my uncle who came that night to check on me and one of my old coworkers who worked at a plant there to visit me. It was very depressing but I knew I had to get up because I had to get back home to my other kids.
D. and I continued to see each other when I came home but he never acted like there was the slightest possibility of Hailey being his daughter. After a petty argument betwee]n us one day, I decided to stop seeing him. For a little while I did, but when the paternity for Angry Man came back negative, I had to have dealings with him again. He kept blowing me off and we kept arguing. I told him if we got the test results back and she was his I was taping them to my car windows and telling his girlfriend. He told me do what I had to do. I'll never forget those words because that is what I have had to do since then.
Though we had been bitter toward each other then, he and I resumed our affair after seeing each other during the testing. Yet while waiting on the results, I heard of his engagement. It was something I had been waiting to hear for quite sometime but it still broke my heart. He never denied it. He just acted as if it was nothing. When the results came back, his mother began to come get Hailey and he would act as if that was the only time he saw her though he and I were still sleeping around. The week before his wedding I kept waiting for him to say he was not going to go through with it but he never did. He did call me up until the day before asking for his "birthday present" however. I remember the day of the wedding I was working at Sears, and one of my classmate's mother worked with me. She asked how did I feel knowing he was going to get married that day. I do not remember my response, but I remember later going into the men's Levi's section and crying as I pretended to straighten up the bottom row of jeans. The man I thought I was my knight in shining armour whom I had waited to get his act together for years, was now married to someone else.
I do not even remember how it happened again but somehow we got back together again. I went through another relationship but when he went to jail, I went back to D. again. When I graduated from community college, I wanted to break the cycle and show him I was better than how he treated me. He never put his hands on me but sometimes he hinted that I was not good enough, and marrying another woman is more than a hint. He tried to discourage me from moving to Baton Rouge but I thought things would be better if I did. I was ashamed there, because I could never deny the fact that I loved him. I still do even now...
I asked my mother to watch my kids when I began working in Louisiana but because she had a small child herself, I also asked his mother to help. It seemed fine. Once before someone had told me that his mother had said she got tired of me asking for things, and that had really hurt my feelings. I could not call D. whenever Hailey needed something, so I had to call her, and she had always claimed it was not a problem, but after hearing that I stopped taking her calls. When she finally reached and I told her, she swore to God, she had not said that and I believed her. I looked up to her and her husband, still partly wishing that D. and I had a chance to be like them one day. I even bought her a Mother's Day cake and had wanted to invite them to my graduation but did not want to cause an awkward situation.
Imagine my surprise when I received the call from my mother that day saying a constable was looking for me and how she had begged him to tell her why and discovered it was a custody suit. I did not know what to do. I called D.'s mother first. She claimed she did not know anything about it, and said she would talk to him to see what was going on. After meeting the constable with the papers, I went to her house and cried. I really trusted her. She claimed she would try talking to him and that she had not known this was going on.
I later found out his lawyer was their family lawyer, and she has been very involved in our case. That was a hard pill for me to swallow, because I trusted this woman with my daughter and looked up to her.
In our first court appearance, the judge granted him the domiciliant. He has married in two income household and I am single with two other children. The fact that I was trying to build my life in another state was seen as unstable. I had not even been gone a year and my daughter was spending more time with both of our mothers than either of us but he was still in the same state. She granted me visitation on every weekend but the third weekend of the month. The fifth was to be at our discretion and I could keep her until the end of the school day, but since the paper work was not typed up with those specifics I have to ask his permission for extra time. He has just began to grant it, but I think it is only because we will be back in court again and he wants to seem like he does try to compromise.
A part of me keeps hoping he will drop the suit and let my daughter come home to be with her brother and sister, but it has yet to happen. A few weeks before we went to court the first time, we tried to sit down and come to an agreement. I begged him to let me keep her. I even told him I would agree to no child support. He had began welding by this time so I thought maybe money was the issue. I still think it might be but he acted like he was going to agree and my lawyer and I kept waiting on his lawyer to call, but they never did. We almost went to court unprepared thinking we had came to an agreement, but like always he left me hanging.
Having to go court and stand and be judged by people who do not know me and know nothing about my character has been another one of the worse experiences of my life. I feel like a criminal when I have done nothing wrong, and my accuser is the man I have spent most of my adult life chasing trying to get to love me back. I was well known where I was from because of my accomplishments in school but also because of my mother and her history. I no longer feel comfortable there because of all the shame and how I feel people must look at me for not being able to keep my daughter. People used to speak highly of me, because I had my son at 14 but was still very involved in school. I worked and was in almost every club including the band, and I was student body president. Now I feel like people think I was always a fake or something. Pretending to be better than I was, but I have always been upfront. That is why I tell people about the suit, because I do not want to seem like I have it all together when I do not, but I am striving to get there.
No one knows how tiresome it is to drive six hours every weekend to get my daughter. The three on our way Baton Rouge are peaceful but the other three are so unhappy. She cries the majority of the time. I try to take her at night or early in the morning hoping she will stay sleep but as soon as she rises she goes right back to crying. It is so hard to not let her see me do the same. Of course, Dylan cries along with her and I hate to split my daughters up like that. What really shocks me is when my son, TyAaron who is 11, silently cries too. No family deserves to serve this kind of pain.
I remember one day while pregnant, I was standing in my utility room washing Dylan's too little things and thinking about how anxious I was for my baby to arrive because then I felt like my little family would be complete with just us four. When she got here, I thought my wait was over....
Custody battles are something I had only heard about on TV. I remember the day when my mother called me while on I was on the interstate leaving Baton Rouge on my way to Mississippi for my other daughter's (Dylan) fifth birthday party. I had been working extra hard to make sure I had gotten all the things she had asked for, a necklace and earrings and some other toys. My mother had gotten her a ring, which was the thing she had wanted the most. We were working extra hard to make sure her birthday was a good one because, unlike Hailey and her dad, Dylan's dad has never been a part of her life. She had only saw him maybe two or three times then, and I had to drive hours to the state's penitentiary for that. I was so busy trying to play mama and daddy to one daughter, I had not given much thought to losing the other to a man who though then claimed to love her but before would not claim her and would not even visit her or help with anything.
When I accepted the job here in Baton Rouge, I thought I was doing a good thing getting away from D., Hailey's dad. I was 23 at the time and he and I had been messing around since I was 18. 17 actually, because he promised to take me on a date the summer before my birthday but stood me up and then he resurfaced and took me out the week before my 18th birthday. From that day on, I was in love. The thing with D. was he would come around for periods of time and then disappear. Not many people knew him, so I had no way of knowing what was going on. Finally someone told me he had a girlfriend that lived out of town. He disappeared from December until about April of the next year. He waltzed back into my life claiming he wanted to be with me and then disappeared again. I remember addressing a graduation invitation to him with hopes of him, but he never showed up so...
That time, I said I was done with him and resumed my relationship with my son's father. Soon after, I discovered I was pregnant. Although I was with Demetrius, I was so afraid it could've been D's, so I told Demetrius about my one night rendezvous with D. He began to tell me well he could not have any more kids. I was nineteen at the time and believed him. Plus I did not want to have another baby for him when he had not ever been around to help with my son, because he was always in training school or jail. Shortly after he was back in jail again, and D. came back again. He knew I was pregnant, but he never really stepped up. I had my daughter at 7 and half months. Because I had already had my son at 6 months the doctors were worried and kept in the hospital for almost five days before deciding it was time for me to have her. D. came to the hospital and sat with me once. I had been rushed to Jackson a city an hour and a half away from my home because they were better equipped, and he was staying in Jackson attending barber school. The day decided to take my baby, just happened to be the day I had finally allowed my mother to go back home, because they had said earlier it would not be the day. However, D. was already supposed to been coming to see me. About an hour after she left, the doctor checked me and said it was time. I wanted to wait because I did not want deliver alone. I had already done that before, and D. was supposed to be on his way anyway.
The whole time while waiting on the epidural to kick in and the cleaning and all of that, I kept expecting him to show up but he never did. I was terrified. I was worried about my delivery but I was also so worried that maybe he had been speeding and had an accident or something. I remember praying for him on the table. I delivered my daughter alone. When the medicine wore off, I could not wait to call him, but he never answered. This went on for days. Somehow my mother reached him one day and he said he would go and see the baby. Those were some of the most depressing days of my life. I remembered asking him what name he liked and him telling me Dasia, so that is what I named the baby, but after he never showed up, I changed her name to Dylan. I got so depressed that I got sick and to be hospitalized again. He only answered the phone for me because I called from the hospital number. I do not remember what he said. When I came home, that is when his girlfriend called asking me the things she had heard.
For a while we did not talk. Then he came around because his parents took a liking to Dylan. They only had boys and no grandchildren. We were going to apply for child support and although he was in agreement the case worker ordered us to do a paternity test, which is when we discovered Dylan was not his daughter.
I was just as shocked as he was, but I suppose he never got over it because it damaged his and his girlfriend's relationship. His parents claimed they understood, and I honestly thought they did. He and I did not talk for months but I began to see him again after growing tired of my abusive boyfriend, who I thought would be able to replace those feelings I had for him. I had never stopped loving him, and I thought we were going to be together one day. He told me he was with his girlfriend because he needed her support to finish school. I believed him.
I know the exact day, Hailey was conceived. I remember it clearly because he kind of freaked out during it, and it kind of hurt my feelings. A couple of weeks later, I remember us sitting on the side of the bed and him telling me, "We both know what you need to do." To this day, I get teary eyed when I hear him say that, but I tried to explain, I could not bring myself to do such a thing.
I tried to continue on my relationship with Angry Man as I will refer to my abusive boyfriend, but had I stayed with him he probably would have killed me. I was once again faced with the worries of not being totally sure. D. never said he and I would be together but he always said you never know what may happen in the future. We continued to see each other throughout the pregnancy but I never felt comfortable trying to just put my unborn child on him.
I delivered Hailey alone as well. By this time, my mother was in prison, so I was already having to take care of my other two children alone. I was doing ok, but having to do everything alone while working 10-14 hour shifts was hard. Twice they had to stop my labor. Of course, the worrying played a big part. I had even tried talking with a profit, and to be honest everything he told me was true or came true but he could not tell me which man was the father of my baby. He did tell me that my child would be a prophet as well and instructed me to anoint her by drinking oil and rubbing oil over my belly. I tried it but I still do not know.The night I finally delivered, the doctor told me to leave his office and drive straight to the hospital. He never said I was in labor but by then I could tell, and I could not tell him before I drove to the hospital I had to make sure I had my other two children situated.
I gave birth to Hailey and she was 4lbs and 9oz, the combined weight of my son and other daughter. That was my hardest delivery. I have always had cesareans because of how young and small I was when I had my son.I began having anxiety attacks while they were preparing me before the procedure, so they had to stick me quite a few times before I actually received the epidural. I was back in Jackson, so I only had my uncle who came that night to check on me and one of my old coworkers who worked at a plant there to visit me. It was very depressing but I knew I had to get up because I had to get back home to my other kids.
D. and I continued to see each other when I came home but he never acted like there was the slightest possibility of Hailey being his daughter. After a petty argument betwee]n us one day, I decided to stop seeing him. For a little while I did, but when the paternity for Angry Man came back negative, I had to have dealings with him again. He kept blowing me off and we kept arguing. I told him if we got the test results back and she was his I was taping them to my car windows and telling his girlfriend. He told me do what I had to do. I'll never forget those words because that is what I have had to do since then.
Though we had been bitter toward each other then, he and I resumed our affair after seeing each other during the testing. Yet while waiting on the results, I heard of his engagement. It was something I had been waiting to hear for quite sometime but it still broke my heart. He never denied it. He just acted as if it was nothing. When the results came back, his mother began to come get Hailey and he would act as if that was the only time he saw her though he and I were still sleeping around. The week before his wedding I kept waiting for him to say he was not going to go through with it but he never did. He did call me up until the day before asking for his "birthday present" however. I remember the day of the wedding I was working at Sears, and one of my classmate's mother worked with me. She asked how did I feel knowing he was going to get married that day. I do not remember my response, but I remember later going into the men's Levi's section and crying as I pretended to straighten up the bottom row of jeans. The man I thought I was my knight in shining armour whom I had waited to get his act together for years, was now married to someone else.
I do not even remember how it happened again but somehow we got back together again. I went through another relationship but when he went to jail, I went back to D. again. When I graduated from community college, I wanted to break the cycle and show him I was better than how he treated me. He never put his hands on me but sometimes he hinted that I was not good enough, and marrying another woman is more than a hint. He tried to discourage me from moving to Baton Rouge but I thought things would be better if I did. I was ashamed there, because I could never deny the fact that I loved him. I still do even now...
I asked my mother to watch my kids when I began working in Louisiana but because she had a small child herself, I also asked his mother to help. It seemed fine. Once before someone had told me that his mother had said she got tired of me asking for things, and that had really hurt my feelings. I could not call D. whenever Hailey needed something, so I had to call her, and she had always claimed it was not a problem, but after hearing that I stopped taking her calls. When she finally reached and I told her, she swore to God, she had not said that and I believed her. I looked up to her and her husband, still partly wishing that D. and I had a chance to be like them one day. I even bought her a Mother's Day cake and had wanted to invite them to my graduation but did not want to cause an awkward situation.
Imagine my surprise when I received the call from my mother that day saying a constable was looking for me and how she had begged him to tell her why and discovered it was a custody suit. I did not know what to do. I called D.'s mother first. She claimed she did not know anything about it, and said she would talk to him to see what was going on. After meeting the constable with the papers, I went to her house and cried. I really trusted her. She claimed she would try talking to him and that she had not known this was going on.
I later found out his lawyer was their family lawyer, and she has been very involved in our case. That was a hard pill for me to swallow, because I trusted this woman with my daughter and looked up to her.
In our first court appearance, the judge granted him the domiciliant. He has married in two income household and I am single with two other children. The fact that I was trying to build my life in another state was seen as unstable. I had not even been gone a year and my daughter was spending more time with both of our mothers than either of us but he was still in the same state. She granted me visitation on every weekend but the third weekend of the month. The fifth was to be at our discretion and I could keep her until the end of the school day, but since the paper work was not typed up with those specifics I have to ask his permission for extra time. He has just began to grant it, but I think it is only because we will be back in court again and he wants to seem like he does try to compromise.
A part of me keeps hoping he will drop the suit and let my daughter come home to be with her brother and sister, but it has yet to happen. A few weeks before we went to court the first time, we tried to sit down and come to an agreement. I begged him to let me keep her. I even told him I would agree to no child support. He had began welding by this time so I thought maybe money was the issue. I still think it might be but he acted like he was going to agree and my lawyer and I kept waiting on his lawyer to call, but they never did. We almost went to court unprepared thinking we had came to an agreement, but like always he left me hanging.
Having to go court and stand and be judged by people who do not know me and know nothing about my character has been another one of the worse experiences of my life. I feel like a criminal when I have done nothing wrong, and my accuser is the man I have spent most of my adult life chasing trying to get to love me back. I was well known where I was from because of my accomplishments in school but also because of my mother and her history. I no longer feel comfortable there because of all the shame and how I feel people must look at me for not being able to keep my daughter. People used to speak highly of me, because I had my son at 14 but was still very involved in school. I worked and was in almost every club including the band, and I was student body president. Now I feel like people think I was always a fake or something. Pretending to be better than I was, but I have always been upfront. That is why I tell people about the suit, because I do not want to seem like I have it all together when I do not, but I am striving to get there.
No one knows how tiresome it is to drive six hours every weekend to get my daughter. The three on our way Baton Rouge are peaceful but the other three are so unhappy. She cries the majority of the time. I try to take her at night or early in the morning hoping she will stay sleep but as soon as she rises she goes right back to crying. It is so hard to not let her see me do the same. Of course, Dylan cries along with her and I hate to split my daughters up like that. What really shocks me is when my son, TyAaron who is 11, silently cries too. No family deserves to serve this kind of pain.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Three Men and the Lil Gogetta
Just when I started to think things were going great, another area in my life has began to stress me. Business with the magazine has been going good. We are getting more and more exposure. The writing team is growing and it is growing on it's own. I have only asked one of the writers about writing for SwagHer, and to me that is important because this way I know if they really would like to do it or not, so things have been going good in that area.
However just as I have made SwagHer my baby, ole Cupid has began to hang around. I have not been in a serious relationship for three years, and during those three years I have changed a lot. My attitude and how I view men has changed dramatically. Whereas I used to be stuck on looks and material things, I now barely even look at guys. I do not care what you are riding in, but what part of town you stay in? How long have you been on your job?
Of course, still none of these things really matter because I am a dancer, and love is extremely hard to come by. I do not take men seriously anymore, because I do not want to be with someone and not be honest with them, so I always tell them what I do, sometimes early on and at other times later on, but that it always seems to take a toll on things, because people let their imagination get the best of them. So relationships and love have been the least of my concern while out here grinding.
Needless to say, it has found me, but not in the simple way it does everyone else. Somehow I have found myself engaged in the midst of my former fiance arriving home just as I meet the type of man who intrigues me. Yes, that is three men, and I do not know what to do.
My current fiance is nice. He is Nigerian and attends grad school at Southern University with me. He is very peaceful person, and always tries to do what is right. However, he spends all of his time studying and our cultural differences puts some limitations on our ability to communicate effectively. I know he is ambitious and will be successful one day. I believes he thinks the same about me, but he does not understand the struggles of an entrepreneur. His goal is to get a good job, whereas mine is to create a job I will love within a business I have built from the ground up. He believes if you work hard you will get what you deserve, but I believe if you work hard, network properly, grind 24/7, and seize oppurtunities to their full advantages then you have a 80% chance. He sees being in America as the biggest prize itself but I beg to differ. I love America too, but I know America does not give a damn about me personally, therefore I expect nothing from it, but I do believe that maybe if I go above and beyond I may get a little something. Needless to say, I do not get the support from him that I need about my business venture. He cannot understand why I put all my money toward my business when I can be putting it toward more urgent matters.
My former fiance is good looking, smart, and ambitious, but also a two time felon. His swag is off the chain. I mean he could probably walk in a room and start supplying people with swag. We can go to church together and later on hit the club together. We can talk about anything. I have told him almost all my secrets over the past few years, and he would still say he loves me. He always tell me, "Baby stop talking about it, just do it." He has always supported me even after I broke off our engagement. I think he would be able a suitable mate for the type of life I want to have. I know he will work hard and his record does not bother me. Some people might think, "Well, Francheska you are about to be a professional. You have to watch who you associate with." However, I believe in being real. Everyone in my immediate family has been in the system, so should I not claim them?
When I began to question my present engagement, I decided that maybe I should consult with my former fiance first, but he is still in jail, so I planned to call his mother and contact him. I had planned to call the following day but forgot. Yet to my surprise, his mother called me the next day after and told me he was coming home.
If you have been following my blogs, you know I believe in signs. I did not tell her at the time, I was engaged but tried to ask her what had he said about me. She really never gave me an answer, but for her to call me has thrown me for a loop, so I have been stressing trying to figure out what I should do. I have tried talking with confidants, including my mother. She really liked my previous fiancee and has never met the current one. I suppose her fondness for him is what caused her to visit his mother to try some match making herself, but she did not get too much more information either. However her visit was not so in vain because now it seems like I really want to be with him, but I was just getting to the point whereas I was almost about to eliminate him out of the equation because...
I happened to meet this guy while checking my messages on a social site. I thought his username was interesting, and we just began to chat from there. No I have not known him for a long period of time, but he seems to have potential. I enjoy talking with him and getting to know him. Unlike my previous fiance who was always the center of attention and my present fiance who barely pays attention, he just seems in between. I suppose it helps that I find him physically attractive as well.
So now I am stressed trying to figure out what I should do. It is so funny to me that this should happen at a time when I had began to solely focus on my career. I think I am going to be very successful one day. The person beside me must look the part because they will be of equal importance. I think the proper partner can make or break you. Being an entrepreneur is for a certain kind of person. Not everyone can be one and not everyone can be with one, because it does come with some financial stress and that can place a strain on the relationship. SwagHer is the very important thing to me, but like Drake says, "What's a star when the most important fan is missing?" I have been praying for a sign or something. A big part of me feels like they may begin to eliminate themselves but I have bad luck, and they might not.... *Fancy shrug* I guess we will just have to wait and see.
However just as I have made SwagHer my baby, ole Cupid has began to hang around. I have not been in a serious relationship for three years, and during those three years I have changed a lot. My attitude and how I view men has changed dramatically. Whereas I used to be stuck on looks and material things, I now barely even look at guys. I do not care what you are riding in, but what part of town you stay in? How long have you been on your job?
Of course, still none of these things really matter because I am a dancer, and love is extremely hard to come by. I do not take men seriously anymore, because I do not want to be with someone and not be honest with them, so I always tell them what I do, sometimes early on and at other times later on, but that it always seems to take a toll on things, because people let their imagination get the best of them. So relationships and love have been the least of my concern while out here grinding.
Needless to say, it has found me, but not in the simple way it does everyone else. Somehow I have found myself engaged in the midst of my former fiance arriving home just as I meet the type of man who intrigues me. Yes, that is three men, and I do not know what to do.
My current fiance is nice. He is Nigerian and attends grad school at Southern University with me. He is very peaceful person, and always tries to do what is right. However, he spends all of his time studying and our cultural differences puts some limitations on our ability to communicate effectively. I know he is ambitious and will be successful one day. I believes he thinks the same about me, but he does not understand the struggles of an entrepreneur. His goal is to get a good job, whereas mine is to create a job I will love within a business I have built from the ground up. He believes if you work hard you will get what you deserve, but I believe if you work hard, network properly, grind 24/7, and seize oppurtunities to their full advantages then you have a 80% chance. He sees being in America as the biggest prize itself but I beg to differ. I love America too, but I know America does not give a damn about me personally, therefore I expect nothing from it, but I do believe that maybe if I go above and beyond I may get a little something. Needless to say, I do not get the support from him that I need about my business venture. He cannot understand why I put all my money toward my business when I can be putting it toward more urgent matters.
My former fiance is good looking, smart, and ambitious, but also a two time felon. His swag is off the chain. I mean he could probably walk in a room and start supplying people with swag. We can go to church together and later on hit the club together. We can talk about anything. I have told him almost all my secrets over the past few years, and he would still say he loves me. He always tell me, "Baby stop talking about it, just do it." He has always supported me even after I broke off our engagement. I think he would be able a suitable mate for the type of life I want to have. I know he will work hard and his record does not bother me. Some people might think, "Well, Francheska you are about to be a professional. You have to watch who you associate with." However, I believe in being real. Everyone in my immediate family has been in the system, so should I not claim them?
When I began to question my present engagement, I decided that maybe I should consult with my former fiance first, but he is still in jail, so I planned to call his mother and contact him. I had planned to call the following day but forgot. Yet to my surprise, his mother called me the next day after and told me he was coming home.
If you have been following my blogs, you know I believe in signs. I did not tell her at the time, I was engaged but tried to ask her what had he said about me. She really never gave me an answer, but for her to call me has thrown me for a loop, so I have been stressing trying to figure out what I should do. I have tried talking with confidants, including my mother. She really liked my previous fiancee and has never met the current one. I suppose her fondness for him is what caused her to visit his mother to try some match making herself, but she did not get too much more information either. However her visit was not so in vain because now it seems like I really want to be with him, but I was just getting to the point whereas I was almost about to eliminate him out of the equation because...
I happened to meet this guy while checking my messages on a social site. I thought his username was interesting, and we just began to chat from there. No I have not known him for a long period of time, but he seems to have potential. I enjoy talking with him and getting to know him. Unlike my previous fiance who was always the center of attention and my present fiance who barely pays attention, he just seems in between. I suppose it helps that I find him physically attractive as well.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
God Didn't Forget About Me
These past twenty months have been so hard for me. Exactly twenty months and one week ago, my youngest daughter's dad served me with custody suit papers. Like any normal person, I think I am the last person worthy of such a suit but nevertheless, we have been in and out of court since then and have yet to come to a final ruling. However, the judge granted him as the domiciliant parent, which really broke my heart and my spirit. Since then, I have felt so lost.
I began working in Louisiana after graduating from a community college in my home town. I thought I was moving to better myself, but I have had problem after problem since I have been here. The custody suit was more like the straw that broke the camel's back. The irony of it all was, I had gotten saved the spring before the move then I moved, and was right back in the way of the world, and after the suit began I began to question my faith.
In the course of the twenty months, I have lost so much. My good image, my sense of home, my actual apartment, friends, and most importantly my faith. I had began to question if God existed at all.
No, I did not move to Louisiana to become a stripper, yet it is what I found myself doing to make a living. Yet, that lifestyle and trying to be a Christian has never mixed, so I was already in a battle before the custody issue. However, with all the turn of events in my life, I began to feel myself gravitate more toward actually BEING a stripper which is the total opposite of what I wanted. I felt that God obviously did not care about me if he would allow my daughter to be taken from me. For that reason, I did not see a reason to continue to try to be a Christian, but from time to time I tried.
This has been one of the hardest battles I have fought. I wanted to just completely let go and say, " God does not care about me. Why should I continue to praise him and pray to him?" I tried talking with some of my friends as well as some the women I saw as mentors, and they could not help me. Some talked to me about faith, which was something totally foreign to me. No one had ever talked to me about faith growing up. I tried talking to my pastor, but how can you tell your pastor, you have began to question God. I tried visiting other churches and thought I had stumbled upon something when I found a church with a prophetess, but no one could tell me anything. Sometimes I wondered if I was asking the right questions, but now thinking back on it, I am sure I was not. I remember getting upset because I could not catch the Holy Ghost. I needed to feel something to know that He really existed.
The answer did not come fast enough, and I just wondered away. I stopped questioning and decided God had forgot about me. My family was telling me to pray, and sometimes to keep them happy I would say I was, but that had long ago stopped. I just felt like God could not care because I was going through something in every aspect of my life. The business partnership I had invested so much time into had collapsed. Dancing was not really paying the way it used to. My other kids were unhappy about the move. It seemed like every plan I came up with, failed. Even now, I say I am on Plan M. I have not attended church in months.
However I did decide to start my magazine, and though it is still moving slow, so slow that I still have to dance, I realize I have found something that I love, something that I am passionate about. That gave me some peace, but of course I was still worrying.
A couple of months ago, I met Lorna Lewis, author of The Gift of an Abundant Life . I liked her positive way of thinking and wanted her to speak at a session I was trying to put together. Therefore, I decided to read her book. To be honest, I have yet to finish reading the book, because of my schedule, but I love it. I was so amazed at Lorna's faith and she spoke in way anyone could relate to, but at the same time, I still felt nothing. Whenever I looked around me, things were only getting worse.
In the beginning, I was questioning God, but by this time, I wondered if He even existed. Last week my car broke down like it does every semester, and I have been trapped in the house. I was so upset. I actually came out and begin to tell people what I had began to think, my thoughts and opinions about God. Over the weekend, I read more of The Gift of An Abundant Life .I decided to just give faith another try like 'O well, what do I have to lose when I have already lost everything as it is?'
Now I am not trying to act like my life has changed so dramatically or that I have changed so dramatically, but today I witnessed two events that have made me believe. I have been trying with all my might to get my magazine off the ground. This morning, I got an invite to be a guest on a radio show. I accepted the invitation but I was waiting on them to send me a response saying it was an error. Instead, they responded with a the information I needed to provide them with a schedule and so on. I was so appalled. Compared to what I want it to be, my magazine is so small, so this is a big deal to me. It is free publicity!
The second event was tonight just as I was laying down after saying my prayers, something told me to check my emails. I was so surprised to see, that a publicist from California had contacted me about featuring her client. She had even attached an extensive portfolio with it. I was so flattered, and the real kicker was the client is a motivational speaker! Honestly not even three full hours ago, I was looking for a motivational speaker to network with, because am interested in speaking.
When I first started dancing, I said I would only dance two years, because I had no intentions of making that into a career. My two years were up October 1, so I have been trying to decide what I am going to do. Since I am now in school and publishing a magazine, I really do not have time for another job, but I am tired of dancing and trying to explain to people. I have been toying with the idea of speaking about my experiences, which is why I was looking for someone with knowledge in this field, so I strongly feel that this is a message as well.
I assume some people are thinking these are such small events that they could mean anything, but to me, someone who had really lost faith, they meant so much. Knowing me, I am sure I was on the verge of trying something I would regret. Maybe God knew that too. Thank you Lorna for inspiring me, and I am so proud to say God has not forgotten about me.
I began working in Louisiana after graduating from a community college in my home town. I thought I was moving to better myself, but I have had problem after problem since I have been here. The custody suit was more like the straw that broke the camel's back. The irony of it all was, I had gotten saved the spring before the move then I moved, and was right back in the way of the world, and after the suit began I began to question my faith.
In the course of the twenty months, I have lost so much. My good image, my sense of home, my actual apartment, friends, and most importantly my faith. I had began to question if God existed at all.
No, I did not move to Louisiana to become a stripper, yet it is what I found myself doing to make a living. Yet, that lifestyle and trying to be a Christian has never mixed, so I was already in a battle before the custody issue. However, with all the turn of events in my life, I began to feel myself gravitate more toward actually BEING a stripper which is the total opposite of what I wanted. I felt that God obviously did not care about me if he would allow my daughter to be taken from me. For that reason, I did not see a reason to continue to try to be a Christian, but from time to time I tried.
This has been one of the hardest battles I have fought. I wanted to just completely let go and say, " God does not care about me. Why should I continue to praise him and pray to him?" I tried talking with some of my friends as well as some the women I saw as mentors, and they could not help me. Some talked to me about faith, which was something totally foreign to me. No one had ever talked to me about faith growing up. I tried talking to my pastor, but how can you tell your pastor, you have began to question God. I tried visiting other churches and thought I had stumbled upon something when I found a church with a prophetess, but no one could tell me anything. Sometimes I wondered if I was asking the right questions, but now thinking back on it, I am sure I was not. I remember getting upset because I could not catch the Holy Ghost. I needed to feel something to know that He really existed.
The answer did not come fast enough, and I just wondered away. I stopped questioning and decided God had forgot about me. My family was telling me to pray, and sometimes to keep them happy I would say I was, but that had long ago stopped. I just felt like God could not care because I was going through something in every aspect of my life. The business partnership I had invested so much time into had collapsed. Dancing was not really paying the way it used to. My other kids were unhappy about the move. It seemed like every plan I came up with, failed. Even now, I say I am on Plan M. I have not attended church in months.
However I did decide to start my magazine, and though it is still moving slow, so slow that I still have to dance, I realize I have found something that I love, something that I am passionate about. That gave me some peace, but of course I was still worrying.
A couple of months ago, I met Lorna Lewis, author of The Gift of an Abundant Life . I liked her positive way of thinking and wanted her to speak at a session I was trying to put together. Therefore, I decided to read her book. To be honest, I have yet to finish reading the book, because of my schedule, but I love it. I was so amazed at Lorna's faith and she spoke in way anyone could relate to, but at the same time, I still felt nothing. Whenever I looked around me, things were only getting worse.
In the beginning, I was questioning God, but by this time, I wondered if He even existed. Last week my car broke down like it does every semester, and I have been trapped in the house. I was so upset. I actually came out and begin to tell people what I had began to think, my thoughts and opinions about God. Over the weekend, I read more of The Gift of An Abundant Life .I decided to just give faith another try like 'O well, what do I have to lose when I have already lost everything as it is?'
Now I am not trying to act like my life has changed so dramatically or that I have changed so dramatically, but today I witnessed two events that have made me believe. I have been trying with all my might to get my magazine off the ground. This morning, I got an invite to be a guest on a radio show. I accepted the invitation but I was waiting on them to send me a response saying it was an error. Instead, they responded with a the information I needed to provide them with a schedule and so on. I was so appalled. Compared to what I want it to be, my magazine is so small, so this is a big deal to me. It is free publicity!
The second event was tonight just as I was laying down after saying my prayers, something told me to check my emails. I was so surprised to see, that a publicist from California had contacted me about featuring her client. She had even attached an extensive portfolio with it. I was so flattered, and the real kicker was the client is a motivational speaker! Honestly not even three full hours ago, I was looking for a motivational speaker to network with, because am interested in speaking.
When I first started dancing, I said I would only dance two years, because I had no intentions of making that into a career. My two years were up October 1, so I have been trying to decide what I am going to do. Since I am now in school and publishing a magazine, I really do not have time for another job, but I am tired of dancing and trying to explain to people. I have been toying with the idea of speaking about my experiences, which is why I was looking for someone with knowledge in this field, so I strongly feel that this is a message as well.
I assume some people are thinking these are such small events that they could mean anything, but to me, someone who had really lost faith, they meant so much. Knowing me, I am sure I was on the verge of trying something I would regret. Maybe God knew that too. Thank you Lorna for inspiring me, and I am so proud to say God has not forgotten about me.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Anyone Can Be a Victim, Even Me
With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I decided to talk about my own experience with domestic violence. I think my story is a little different because the violence itself did hurt, but it was actually the pain of no one believing me and/ or taking any action so that I could have justice served that hurt the most. In the end, I grew so frustrated I actually blocked most of the incidents out and forgot them, because the thought of letting someone abuse me both mentally and physically is a hard pill to swallow, especially when you pride yourself in being an intelligent person. Anyone can be a victim, even me...
When I was nineteen, I began dating a former classmate. Because he was a year older than me, he and I only knew each other in passing until we began working together. For legal reasons, we can call him Tim. In the beginning, Tim was very nice. He always had me laughing with his sense of humor. Though we were both young, we decided to get a place together.
In the beginning, I did not notice how controlling he was. Now that I think back on it, there were small things that he would do that perhaps should have warned me. Tim always had to have things go his way. When we moved into our house, he did not want me to bring in some of my nice things from my previous apartment. Instead, he insisted that we sleep on a bed "loaned" to us by one of his relatives. He was this way about other little things in the house as well.
As we began settling into our house, he began to complain about my friends. At that time, my ex best friend and I were really close, we did everything together. He would tell me, " I am not saying "soandso" is a hoe, but the people she hang with do hoeish stuff, and I can't have you hanging with them." At first. I was like I am not giving up my friends for anyone, but his argument was females should not act like that when they are in serious relationships. Since I had not had too many serious relationships, I began to believe him. I did not want to lose him, so I began to distance myself from my friends. I worked two jobs and went to the community college, and at that time I already had two kids, so I did not have much free time anyway.
Then Tim began to try to isolate me from everyone. Our little budget only allowed us to have one cell phone at that time, which was actually mine, because I came into the relationship with it. Instead of Tim leaving the phone with me, he would insist that he took it with him. Soon no one even called for me anymore, and from sneaking and checking the caller ID, I realized when they did, he never told me.
The first time Tim hit me, was during a Sunday football game. He used to bet with his friends, so they were all at the house as well. I remember walking into the living room and walking back into the bedroom and everything being fine. Then Tim walked back into the bedroom,and it was as if his mood had suddenly changed. I think I made a joke, and I guess he did not like it because within the blink of an eye, Tim had me pent against the wall choking me. He was maybe about 210 lbs in comparison to my 110 lbs, so I could not really fight back, but even if I could have, I would not have done so, because I was so stunned. I was trying to understand why he was doing this. I was so terrified. I remember my feet were not even touching the ground. Luckily one of his friends saw him, because he had never closed the door behind him upon walking into the room. Later, he tried to tell me he just got upset because his team was losing.
Tim and I both worked at a restaurant, and most of the time, I would come in on my days off to work with him. One night, I got off early and happen to run into my best friend at a convience store. I had not saw her in a while so we talked for maybe an hour along the side of the store. The funny thing is Tim and I had switched vehicles, so I was in his raggedy car, and he was in my truck. Therefore, I would know my truck if I saw it, and seems like he would know his car as well. While my friend and I were sitting at the store, I saw Tim ride past. I thought he had saw me, but when he never turned around, I assumed I would just meet him at the house.
I made it home before he did, and began to take a bath. Tim came home while I was in the tub and began beating on the door. I wrapped a towel around me and came to the door. I realized I had forgotten and locked the screen door, but Tim accused me of trying to lock him out because I was trying to clean up after messing around. I remember I had been in a good mood, so I laughed it off, not realizing how upset he was. He claimed he had been looking for me and I told him, he had rode right past me, but he insisted I was out cheating. Some kind of way it got physical, and he snatched the towel off of me and pushed me out of the house naked. I covered myself by standing between the two doors but you could still see through the screen door because the top part was glass and then of course it was the wire mesh, however we lived in a kind of quiet neighborhood, where traffic was not heavy so that saved me some embarassment. I had to beg and plead with him for him to let me back in the house. Of course, he apologized and smoothed things over some kind of way.
It was as if though I had become afraid of him, I still did not want to leave. I thought this was normal. I kept thinking maybe it was the stress from the bills and us being on our own. Another reason why I stayed, though it might sound crazy, though I cared for Tim my heart was with someone else, but since I could not be with him, I had to be with someone, so why not Tim? Gradually he began to incorporate small forms of abuse into our day to day schedule. He might step on my foot and then stand there or push me out of the bed onto the floor. He used his size to make me feel inferior. He never left bruises or anything.
He then began to pressure me about my family. He said my mama was in our business too much. At the same time, my mama was complaining about him and saying that it seemed as if he had me under a spell. I grew tired of going between the two, and Tim finally told me I needed to choose either my family or him. Like an idiot, I chose him. I gave my mama back the truck I had and stopped speaking to her.
The abuse continued on. It grew to be more mental for a while. At the time, I did not know he was seeing other girls, so I think maybe as his relationships grew with them, he tormented me a little less. He did not have to get physical with me, if he was being physical else where.
The holidays were approaching and I began to grow tired of sitting in the house alone. Although my mama and I were not talking, she would keep my kids partly because she did not trust Tim. I did not mind, because Tim was always saying my son was too spoiled and he did not like my daughter crying. I decided I wanted to interact with people again. This interaction is how I found out about Tim cheating. We broke up for a little while. I kind of had something like a Tyler Perry breakthrough. I both urinated and deficated all over and in his clothes and shoes. That is one my happiest moments with him. Of course he called the police on me, and his family began to tell them I was crazy, my whole family was. I did not care.
In time, we got back together, and I moved into my own place. All the time Tim accused me of cheating, I honestly was not, but my heart was elsewhere. During that time, Tim and I were broke up, I began to see the man I did love. We will call him Devin. Well Devin was in a relationship of his own, so I decided that in order for me to be able to still see Devin and not stress over him being with someone else, I would continue to see Tim.
Unfortunately, I ended up pregnant again. It seem logical that the baby was Tim's because he was my boyfriend. I hated the thought of that. I felt really trapped then. I did not like the thought of forever having him in my life. He used the pregnancy to his advantage. For a while, he did not hit me or engage any other foolishness, but he that was his way to linger around and come by my house and use all my luxuries, yet you could tell I had grown. When he threatened to leave and so on, I assured him that he could. I did not think of him as my world anymore. He had long ago began to disgust me.
As I said in the beginning, Tim and I were classmates but I did not really know him. Toward our first major break up my mama had began to tell me that she had heard he was using drugs. I did not believe her, because he and I were together so much, I thought it would impossible for him to find time to do such. When he became violent I thought back on what she said, but it still did not make sense to me. I kept thinking if he was on some kind of drugs, I would know or I would find some kind of clue.
The first clue came a little before our first major break up. One night he and I got off work, and as we were getting out of the car, he just passed out. I did not know what to do. I called the police and then his mother. I noticed when both she and the policeman got there that there seemed to be some kind of unspoken conversation going on. Tim had come to, and insisted on not going to the hospital, but he and his mama kept whispering, and the policeman kept saying, "Tim, I been knowing you a long time, are you sure you are alright?" I began to question then. Tim knew how I felt about drugs, so I guess that is why he hid it so well.
By the time I got pregnant, Tim admitted that he had "tried" powder before, but he was not a habitual user. He would go on and on complaining about how he was tired of people stereotyping him, his frieinds, and neighborhood. Sometimes I felt really bad for him, but I was no longer in love with him. I let him come around to avoid being pregnant alone and he was always complaining about how his family mistreated him, although they all had seem to come together on the issue of me. Everyone said I was crazy and he should leave me alone. No one ever said he was wrong about anything.
We both had our own places so that helped keep confusion down, but it seemed like if I went by his place he would get crazy all over again. Once we were arguing about something and I fell off his porch trying to get away from him. The most memorable incident was one time we were arguing he kicked me out of his house and then ran out to my car to continue the argument. When I tried to drive away, he tried to pull me out of the car through the window by my neck. It just so happened that his landlord was walking into the office and saw him. She hollered out for him to stop. and he let me go. Once I caught my breath, I was gone of course. That day I pressed charges against him. This time he had actually left bruises on my neck and had broken my herringbone chain, so I used that as evidence.
We did not talk for months after this. His family said I was trouble. At that time, I did not have much of a family to defend me because my mother was in prison at the time. Tim moved out of state, and I went on about my life. I was glad he was gone, because I discovered he was using drugs more than he claimed. That explained why his family treated him the way they did or so he thought they did. I think that was more his guilt eating at him.
I was unsure about what to do with the baby approaching. I was caring on my affair with Devin, but he seemed oblivious to the fact that the baby could have been his, so I never said anything to him about it. In the beginning, he had told me that we both knew the best thing for me to do was have an abortion.
A little before my daughter arrived, Tim began to call me again. He said he would come back into town when the baby was born. I remember calling him when the time came, and he claimed he was headed to the bus station. Then he claimed his mama was coming. She called me and said she could not make it, but let her know if I needed anything. In the end, I had my daughter alone in a hospital in another city where I knew no one.
Tim came into town a little after she came home, and for a while things were fine. Then I found out about someone he had been cheating with and another baby, and things changed again. He had been fined for the charges I had pressed against him, so I guess that is why he did not get too extreme. However, when my car broke down, he told me his mama would sell me hers for $500. She would give it to me for such a great price,because he and I were together. I gave Tim $500 for the car, but as soon as we got it, I began to feel like I had made a mistake. He never wanted me to drive it, because he claimed something needed to be fixed, and hell it was so raggedy, I did not want to drive it. It had only been a couple of days, and I decided I wanted my money back, but Tim just disappeared.
I tried calling his mother and at first she would not answer. By this time, my mama had gotten out, so she finally reached her. His mother told my mother, she never sold me that car, and she never recieved any money from him. She claimed she would try to get the money from him. To this day, I never got my $500 back. Tim made an appearance to my house one night claiming he was getting some things. As quickly as it always seem to happen, he had me on the wall choking me. Other times, I remember my only thoughts being questions of why, but I so clearly remember thinking this night, 'he is going to kill me with my baby here on the bed sleeping and my mama and kids in the living room watching TV.' He was so strong that I never thought of trying to fight him back, and I was too afraid to make a sound. I imagined him instantly breaking my neck. He took pleasure in my fear of him. I guess after he had saw all he needed to see, he let me fall to the floor and walked out of the house. That was the last time, I allowed myself to be alone with him, and I suppose that was what I needed to say I was done. He had not ever scared me like that before as many times as I had found myself in that position with him.
The very last time Tim put his hands on me was at a club. He saw me talking with another guy and like before when I said he would step on my foot or something subtle, he reached out to shake another man's hand who was nearby and hit me along the side of my head, hard enough to make me step back.
I tried pressing charges again, but unlike the last time when he pled guilty before, he pled not guilty this time, so we had to go to court. The majority of Tim's family worked in law enforcement, so that is partly why I took a lot of things. That along with the fact that my family has a reputation for being crazy and my being embarassed kept me quiet, but the thought of him terrorizing me even when we were not together, made me realize I would just have to deal with it and face him in court. We did a little trial thing, whereas we both were represented by public defenders, but I sensed that the judge and the attorneys were biased. My own attorney made me feel stupid and had not done a good job preparing me. The guy I had been talking with that night claimed he would come as a witness but never showed up. Then Tim was sleeping with the club's security guard's daughter, so all the security people spoke against me. Their argument was if he hit me, why hadn't I came to them? No one had reported anything. I was too embarassed to come to them, and I was afraid he might make a scene.
In the end, the judge said we just need to stay away from each other. We were too young to be doing all that fighting. To this day, I still cry remembering this, because no one believed me. When I told people back home about the things he used to do, everyone always got silent like he had already spoken to them or something, either they were thinking 'not cool Tim!' I can only speak so freely now, because I know for other reasons I will not mention, they might think back on what I said and believe me now.
I suppose most people do not want to discuss abuse anyway. I am a little embarassed to say that I have experienced it, but I hope that maybe someone will read this and realize they are in a similar situation and will get out. Tim was already a very angry person when I met him. I did not realize this at first, but I think this is where most of the mental abuse came from. When he was under the influence, the physical abuse started. I remember stories he used to tell me about abusing animals and how he used to fight dogs. I suppose I should have recognized his love for violence then. I guess I thought I was an exception to the rule and did not see myself as a victim. I decided to include these tips:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
When I was nineteen, I began dating a former classmate. Because he was a year older than me, he and I only knew each other in passing until we began working together. For legal reasons, we can call him Tim. In the beginning, Tim was very nice. He always had me laughing with his sense of humor. Though we were both young, we decided to get a place together.
In the beginning, I did not notice how controlling he was. Now that I think back on it, there were small things that he would do that perhaps should have warned me. Tim always had to have things go his way. When we moved into our house, he did not want me to bring in some of my nice things from my previous apartment. Instead, he insisted that we sleep on a bed "loaned" to us by one of his relatives. He was this way about other little things in the house as well.
As we began settling into our house, he began to complain about my friends. At that time, my ex best friend and I were really close, we did everything together. He would tell me, " I am not saying "soandso" is a hoe, but the people she hang with do hoeish stuff, and I can't have you hanging with them." At first. I was like I am not giving up my friends for anyone, but his argument was females should not act like that when they are in serious relationships. Since I had not had too many serious relationships, I began to believe him. I did not want to lose him, so I began to distance myself from my friends. I worked two jobs and went to the community college, and at that time I already had two kids, so I did not have much free time anyway.
Then Tim began to try to isolate me from everyone. Our little budget only allowed us to have one cell phone at that time, which was actually mine, because I came into the relationship with it. Instead of Tim leaving the phone with me, he would insist that he took it with him. Soon no one even called for me anymore, and from sneaking and checking the caller ID, I realized when they did, he never told me.
The first time Tim hit me, was during a Sunday football game. He used to bet with his friends, so they were all at the house as well. I remember walking into the living room and walking back into the bedroom and everything being fine. Then Tim walked back into the bedroom,and it was as if his mood had suddenly changed. I think I made a joke, and I guess he did not like it because within the blink of an eye, Tim had me pent against the wall choking me. He was maybe about 210 lbs in comparison to my 110 lbs, so I could not really fight back, but even if I could have, I would not have done so, because I was so stunned. I was trying to understand why he was doing this. I was so terrified. I remember my feet were not even touching the ground. Luckily one of his friends saw him, because he had never closed the door behind him upon walking into the room. Later, he tried to tell me he just got upset because his team was losing.
Tim and I both worked at a restaurant, and most of the time, I would come in on my days off to work with him. One night, I got off early and happen to run into my best friend at a convience store. I had not saw her in a while so we talked for maybe an hour along the side of the store. The funny thing is Tim and I had switched vehicles, so I was in his raggedy car, and he was in my truck. Therefore, I would know my truck if I saw it, and seems like he would know his car as well. While my friend and I were sitting at the store, I saw Tim ride past. I thought he had saw me, but when he never turned around, I assumed I would just meet him at the house.
I made it home before he did, and began to take a bath. Tim came home while I was in the tub and began beating on the door. I wrapped a towel around me and came to the door. I realized I had forgotten and locked the screen door, but Tim accused me of trying to lock him out because I was trying to clean up after messing around. I remember I had been in a good mood, so I laughed it off, not realizing how upset he was. He claimed he had been looking for me and I told him, he had rode right past me, but he insisted I was out cheating. Some kind of way it got physical, and he snatched the towel off of me and pushed me out of the house naked. I covered myself by standing between the two doors but you could still see through the screen door because the top part was glass and then of course it was the wire mesh, however we lived in a kind of quiet neighborhood, where traffic was not heavy so that saved me some embarassment. I had to beg and plead with him for him to let me back in the house. Of course, he apologized and smoothed things over some kind of way.
It was as if though I had become afraid of him, I still did not want to leave. I thought this was normal. I kept thinking maybe it was the stress from the bills and us being on our own. Another reason why I stayed, though it might sound crazy, though I cared for Tim my heart was with someone else, but since I could not be with him, I had to be with someone, so why not Tim? Gradually he began to incorporate small forms of abuse into our day to day schedule. He might step on my foot and then stand there or push me out of the bed onto the floor. He used his size to make me feel inferior. He never left bruises or anything.
He then began to pressure me about my family. He said my mama was in our business too much. At the same time, my mama was complaining about him and saying that it seemed as if he had me under a spell. I grew tired of going between the two, and Tim finally told me I needed to choose either my family or him. Like an idiot, I chose him. I gave my mama back the truck I had and stopped speaking to her.
The abuse continued on. It grew to be more mental for a while. At the time, I did not know he was seeing other girls, so I think maybe as his relationships grew with them, he tormented me a little less. He did not have to get physical with me, if he was being physical else where.
The holidays were approaching and I began to grow tired of sitting in the house alone. Although my mama and I were not talking, she would keep my kids partly because she did not trust Tim. I did not mind, because Tim was always saying my son was too spoiled and he did not like my daughter crying. I decided I wanted to interact with people again. This interaction is how I found out about Tim cheating. We broke up for a little while. I kind of had something like a Tyler Perry breakthrough. I both urinated and deficated all over and in his clothes and shoes. That is one my happiest moments with him. Of course he called the police on me, and his family began to tell them I was crazy, my whole family was. I did not care.
In time, we got back together, and I moved into my own place. All the time Tim accused me of cheating, I honestly was not, but my heart was elsewhere. During that time, Tim and I were broke up, I began to see the man I did love. We will call him Devin. Well Devin was in a relationship of his own, so I decided that in order for me to be able to still see Devin and not stress over him being with someone else, I would continue to see Tim.
Unfortunately, I ended up pregnant again. It seem logical that the baby was Tim's because he was my boyfriend. I hated the thought of that. I felt really trapped then. I did not like the thought of forever having him in my life. He used the pregnancy to his advantage. For a while, he did not hit me or engage any other foolishness, but he that was his way to linger around and come by my house and use all my luxuries, yet you could tell I had grown. When he threatened to leave and so on, I assured him that he could. I did not think of him as my world anymore. He had long ago began to disgust me.
As I said in the beginning, Tim and I were classmates but I did not really know him. Toward our first major break up my mama had began to tell me that she had heard he was using drugs. I did not believe her, because he and I were together so much, I thought it would impossible for him to find time to do such. When he became violent I thought back on what she said, but it still did not make sense to me. I kept thinking if he was on some kind of drugs, I would know or I would find some kind of clue.
The first clue came a little before our first major break up. One night he and I got off work, and as we were getting out of the car, he just passed out. I did not know what to do. I called the police and then his mother. I noticed when both she and the policeman got there that there seemed to be some kind of unspoken conversation going on. Tim had come to, and insisted on not going to the hospital, but he and his mama kept whispering, and the policeman kept saying, "Tim, I been knowing you a long time, are you sure you are alright?" I began to question then. Tim knew how I felt about drugs, so I guess that is why he hid it so well.
By the time I got pregnant, Tim admitted that he had "tried" powder before, but he was not a habitual user. He would go on and on complaining about how he was tired of people stereotyping him, his frieinds, and neighborhood. Sometimes I felt really bad for him, but I was no longer in love with him. I let him come around to avoid being pregnant alone and he was always complaining about how his family mistreated him, although they all had seem to come together on the issue of me. Everyone said I was crazy and he should leave me alone. No one ever said he was wrong about anything.
We both had our own places so that helped keep confusion down, but it seemed like if I went by his place he would get crazy all over again. Once we were arguing about something and I fell off his porch trying to get away from him. The most memorable incident was one time we were arguing he kicked me out of his house and then ran out to my car to continue the argument. When I tried to drive away, he tried to pull me out of the car through the window by my neck. It just so happened that his landlord was walking into the office and saw him. She hollered out for him to stop. and he let me go. Once I caught my breath, I was gone of course. That day I pressed charges against him. This time he had actually left bruises on my neck and had broken my herringbone chain, so I used that as evidence.
We did not talk for months after this. His family said I was trouble. At that time, I did not have much of a family to defend me because my mother was in prison at the time. Tim moved out of state, and I went on about my life. I was glad he was gone, because I discovered he was using drugs more than he claimed. That explained why his family treated him the way they did or so he thought they did. I think that was more his guilt eating at him.
I was unsure about what to do with the baby approaching. I was caring on my affair with Devin, but he seemed oblivious to the fact that the baby could have been his, so I never said anything to him about it. In the beginning, he had told me that we both knew the best thing for me to do was have an abortion.
A little before my daughter arrived, Tim began to call me again. He said he would come back into town when the baby was born. I remember calling him when the time came, and he claimed he was headed to the bus station. Then he claimed his mama was coming. She called me and said she could not make it, but let her know if I needed anything. In the end, I had my daughter alone in a hospital in another city where I knew no one.
Tim came into town a little after she came home, and for a while things were fine. Then I found out about someone he had been cheating with and another baby, and things changed again. He had been fined for the charges I had pressed against him, so I guess that is why he did not get too extreme. However, when my car broke down, he told me his mama would sell me hers for $500. She would give it to me for such a great price,because he and I were together. I gave Tim $500 for the car, but as soon as we got it, I began to feel like I had made a mistake. He never wanted me to drive it, because he claimed something needed to be fixed, and hell it was so raggedy, I did not want to drive it. It had only been a couple of days, and I decided I wanted my money back, but Tim just disappeared.
I tried calling his mother and at first she would not answer. By this time, my mama had gotten out, so she finally reached her. His mother told my mother, she never sold me that car, and she never recieved any money from him. She claimed she would try to get the money from him. To this day, I never got my $500 back. Tim made an appearance to my house one night claiming he was getting some things. As quickly as it always seem to happen, he had me on the wall choking me. Other times, I remember my only thoughts being questions of why, but I so clearly remember thinking this night, 'he is going to kill me with my baby here on the bed sleeping and my mama and kids in the living room watching TV.' He was so strong that I never thought of trying to fight him back, and I was too afraid to make a sound. I imagined him instantly breaking my neck. He took pleasure in my fear of him. I guess after he had saw all he needed to see, he let me fall to the floor and walked out of the house. That was the last time, I allowed myself to be alone with him, and I suppose that was what I needed to say I was done. He had not ever scared me like that before as many times as I had found myself in that position with him.
The very last time Tim put his hands on me was at a club. He saw me talking with another guy and like before when I said he would step on my foot or something subtle, he reached out to shake another man's hand who was nearby and hit me along the side of my head, hard enough to make me step back.
I tried pressing charges again, but unlike the last time when he pled guilty before, he pled not guilty this time, so we had to go to court. The majority of Tim's family worked in law enforcement, so that is partly why I took a lot of things. That along with the fact that my family has a reputation for being crazy and my being embarassed kept me quiet, but the thought of him terrorizing me even when we were not together, made me realize I would just have to deal with it and face him in court. We did a little trial thing, whereas we both were represented by public defenders, but I sensed that the judge and the attorneys were biased. My own attorney made me feel stupid and had not done a good job preparing me. The guy I had been talking with that night claimed he would come as a witness but never showed up. Then Tim was sleeping with the club's security guard's daughter, so all the security people spoke against me. Their argument was if he hit me, why hadn't I came to them? No one had reported anything. I was too embarassed to come to them, and I was afraid he might make a scene.
In the end, the judge said we just need to stay away from each other. We were too young to be doing all that fighting. To this day, I still cry remembering this, because no one believed me. When I told people back home about the things he used to do, everyone always got silent like he had already spoken to them or something, either they were thinking 'not cool Tim!' I can only speak so freely now, because I know for other reasons I will not mention, they might think back on what I said and believe me now.
I suppose most people do not want to discuss abuse anyway. I am a little embarassed to say that I have experienced it, but I hope that maybe someone will read this and realize they are in a similar situation and will get out. Tim was already a very angry person when I met him. I did not realize this at first, but I think this is where most of the mental abuse came from. When he was under the influence, the physical abuse started. I remember stories he used to tell me about abusing animals and how he used to fight dogs. I suppose I should have recognized his love for violence then. I guess I thought I was an exception to the rule and did not see myself as a victim. I decided to include these tips:
Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:- If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
- If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
- If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
- If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
- If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
- He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
- He continues to blame others for his behavior.
- He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
- He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
- He tells you that you owe him another chance.
- You have to push him to stay in treatment.
- He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
- He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
- He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
- He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thank you Sister Souljah
 |
| SU students waiting for Sister Souljah autographs: (l to r) Anna Trahan, Marissa Barnes, Robin Christmas, Carolyn Omar, and Tyese Thibodoux |
 |
| Anyea Coleman Vargas & Tiara Barnes with their "The Coldest Winter" books at Sister Souljah Lecture Series |
Last week I got attend the Sister Souljah Lecture Series at Southern University A&M College. I almost did not go because I was running late, but I am so glad that I did. I recommend it to everyone male and female,both young and old, and that is actually how the audience was to my surprise. I figure some students were there for extra credit, but I know everyone left with something!
Of course I missed the beginning of the lecture, so when I came in she was telling how males used to ask females on a date in old African tribes. The male would first introduce himself to the girl's father and state his name. His name would not only tell who he was but also who his family was, where he was from, and what they stood for, their beliefs and so on. If the father permitted, they could go on a date accompanied by a male member of the girl's family. She went on to say that we as young ladies today do not respect ourselves and are too self absorbed, idolizing the "dumb whores" and "pretty hairstyles." As college girls, we do not attempt to work together and empower our sisters. Instead, we look down on others. We pride ourselves on furthering our education as if we are better, all while closeting the secrets of our abortions, affairs with our soror's man, and STD's, while our university's infirmary is stocked with creams and ointments to clean our dirty p****** (her words not mine).
As an audience, we laughed, but everyone knew this was hitting close to home. Maybe it was not us exactly, but it was our girl sitting beside us. She went on to discuss relationships and how we as women are settling. That is where I was moved personally.
She told this story of how years ago one of her husband's friends came by their house. She named him Carl. Carl made it there about 4o'clock and messed around with her husband and his DJ equipment for a couple of hours. When she ( SS) finished cooking they came up from the basement and ate. Around 7:30, Carl said he had to go. When she asked why, Carl said he had his girl in the car. Mind you this had been about four hours! When she asked why he had not brought her in, he said he did not want her to see how Sister Souljah and her husband were living as a married couple and then start pressuring him about a ring. As she said he put it, he had "no intentions of marrying the b*tch!"
The analogy was some of us have been sitting in the car. Some of us having been sitting in the car for a while. Some of us sitting in the car and it's our own damn car! Some of us have been allowing this man to drive the car, knowing he has neither license nor insurance. We as women are settling to just have someone.
I loved this story but it made me feel uneasy, almost stupid. I began a relationship about a month and a half ago, and though I really wanted it to work, it was beginning to be more of a hassle than a pleasure. I have always prided myself on rather being alone than being in a relationship with stress and problems, but now all of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, and having kids, and here I am a single mother of three, struggling to publish a magazine and going to school. A man seemed like the obvious solution to me, but this guy was not really a man. I guess he could be considered a womanizer. He actually would ask me to buy him things. IKR? I used to call my bestie like 'I am so lost', nevertheless I never bought him more than a Subway sandwich.
Anyway, when Sister Souljah was discussing this I began to think maybe I was in one of those situations. Of course, I did not want to believe that, but it just so happened, I saw my man just for the loser he was this past weekend. I was little hurt but the fact that I had already began to question how many times he had apologized in the last month and how easily he said it, along with the Sister Souljah's forewarning I handled it better than I normally would have. I still felt pretty stupid because I am like "I am a business woman. How do you get played by a ninja who has nothing of his own?" Yet the answer is easy. I had a mild case of selective vision. For a minute I only saw what I wanted to see. If I had not been trying to compare and evaluate myself to everything Sister Souljah was saying, I might still be sitting in the damn car!
Some people reading this may wonder, 'how did she go from one story to the next and what in the hell does any of this have to do with anything?' My point is Sister Souljah knows her stuff! She came to my school, and I was impressed and inspired, and then I realized the silly girl she was talking about was me! I screw up same as everyone else. I admit to mine publicly, whereas some may never 'fess up, but that MY swagher. Thank you Sister Souljah!
 |
| Cherish Hilton, Sister Souljah, and Devionne Wren |
 |
| Sister Souljah and I |
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Hey, Hey, Hey! I'm so Paid!
When I first thought of starting a magazine, I was like "Yeah!" I began researching and so on and then I thought, "Wait- how do I get paid off of this?" Then I considered the idea of selling the magazine and having viewers pay to view it, but I decided against that. Then I remembered I was once a marketing major and I could sell advertisement space, so I had a plan. Yet I know that in order to seek buyers, my magazine must boast quality and display stamina, and I have been working hard to build up our credibility. Now when I meet people and mention that I own a magazine, one of their following responses is something like, "Well you must be getting paid then!" My response is always no, but it is like they do not understand. "Why do you do it then?" "How do you make your money?"
I find it kind of funny, because I believe I have created the best job in the world for myself. Yes work is required, but I almost feel like I am cheating with my reward. I love what I do! I am happy! I get to meet new people, and everyone is always so friendly and welcoming! I get to attend nice events and be treated like a "somebody," and I am on the other end of the camera!
My mind often goes to the Trident commercial when they ask to pay the babysitter in gum. To us as viewers, we are looking at that like,"what?" It's funny! Yet who knows, maybe the young lady is in a smiling contest or something. You never know what is going on in people's lives, which is my whole point exactly.
I have been working extremely hard to become the woman I feel I am destined to be. When I was a teenager until I was about 23, I would make lists of the characteristics I wanted instilled in myself, things I needed to work on. People do not understand that mostly everything I learned about being a woman came from Omar Tyree's Fly Girl, Maya Angelou's autobiography series, Eric Jerome Dickey, and E. Lynn Harris. I did not sit and actually talk with anyone or interact and aquire learned behavior. Of course, I had friends and family, but I always felt there was something more, something outside of my usual enviroment. I wanted to know how the professional, independent women lived. I had began to live through the women in these books, but I needed more. What was normal to them? I needed to know if they ever experienced the same things I felt? Do these powerful women ever get their heartbroken? Are they faithful wives and loving mothers? I wanted the real scoop. I needed to know if I was normal.
When I talk with the women featured in my magazine. I learn the answers to these questions. I like to get in people's heads because most people say I do not think like them. I want to know if that is true. So far from what I am seeing, it is half and half. I am amazed at the things I sometimes have in common with guests. You know we tend to be more attracted to those who share the same qualities as us, as opposed to those who are not like us, so I fall easily, because I am always intrigued.
These women tell me their stories and talk to me, and I learn so much more than a book could ever show. I will learn more than I will probably live in my lifetime, and that is where the cheating comes in. Ladies, can you imagine how much further along we would be if we sat and opened up with each other? Instead of watching your sister sit and make the same stupid mistakes that you did, only now we are living in different times so the consequences might be twice as hard, what if you sat down and told her your story? Of course, in the end she will do what she wants, but sometimes the fact that there is experience behind the voice will make you think twice.
Since I moved to Louisiana, there is so much I have learned about women and being a woman in general, and I am still learning. I am beginning to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Men see a pretty package and think, " Oh, she got her stuff together" only to later realize they have only gotten themselve a big kids meal supersized, so they are not totally at fault when you find out they added someone else to the team to fill in for your shortcomings. Now imagine what it would be like to be truly ahead of the game. Imagine that you do not have to take the fall because someone has already did it for you. In the Cubicles: A Novel by Camika Spencer, the main character, Faulkner, is in the middle of a 30 ( I believe that is the amount, been a while) year feud between two coworkers/ best friends, and she does not know. The woman she dislikes the most holds insights that could prevent Faulkner from experiencing things to come, but... I will let you read the book. Anyway, the twists always had me thinking, and I do not like "what if's."
When I do a recording, I am taking in every word on camera and off. The things on camera are saved and published, but the things off camera are saved and practiced. I have some ways to go getting SwagHer off the ground, but I am storing all this knowledge so in time I will produce something not only unforgettable but also unbreakable, and not just SwagHer Magazine, but also ME. I feel like I am storing up power to release a storm. I see the progress in myself. I can mark off some of those characteristics on my list now.
If you are not understanding all of this right now, in time you will see. My mission is to empower women, to educate and enlighten, but we shall venture on this journey together. That is why I keep this blog, because I am living my life publicly. When I am soaring ,you can see it, and you can see it when I am falling. I am the biggest advocate for keeping it real. Now yes, I do want to get paid, because I am true Libra to the fullest, loving beautiful people and beautiful things, and Trident cannot pay for all I am desiring. I know that it is coming, so for now I am living off the intangible.
-Fancy, 24 hrs from Greatness
I find it kind of funny, because I believe I have created the best job in the world for myself. Yes work is required, but I almost feel like I am cheating with my reward. I love what I do! I am happy! I get to meet new people, and everyone is always so friendly and welcoming! I get to attend nice events and be treated like a "somebody," and I am on the other end of the camera!
My mind often goes to the Trident commercial when they ask to pay the babysitter in gum. To us as viewers, we are looking at that like,"what?" It's funny! Yet who knows, maybe the young lady is in a smiling contest or something. You never know what is going on in people's lives, which is my whole point exactly.
I have been working extremely hard to become the woman I feel I am destined to be. When I was a teenager until I was about 23, I would make lists of the characteristics I wanted instilled in myself, things I needed to work on. People do not understand that mostly everything I learned about being a woman came from Omar Tyree's Fly Girl, Maya Angelou's autobiography series, Eric Jerome Dickey, and E. Lynn Harris. I did not sit and actually talk with anyone or interact and aquire learned behavior. Of course, I had friends and family, but I always felt there was something more, something outside of my usual enviroment. I wanted to know how the professional, independent women lived. I had began to live through the women in these books, but I needed more. What was normal to them? I needed to know if they ever experienced the same things I felt? Do these powerful women ever get their heartbroken? Are they faithful wives and loving mothers? I wanted the real scoop. I needed to know if I was normal.
When I talk with the women featured in my magazine. I learn the answers to these questions. I like to get in people's heads because most people say I do not think like them. I want to know if that is true. So far from what I am seeing, it is half and half. I am amazed at the things I sometimes have in common with guests. You know we tend to be more attracted to those who share the same qualities as us, as opposed to those who are not like us, so I fall easily, because I am always intrigued.
These women tell me their stories and talk to me, and I learn so much more than a book could ever show. I will learn more than I will probably live in my lifetime, and that is where the cheating comes in. Ladies, can you imagine how much further along we would be if we sat and opened up with each other? Instead of watching your sister sit and make the same stupid mistakes that you did, only now we are living in different times so the consequences might be twice as hard, what if you sat down and told her your story? Of course, in the end she will do what she wants, but sometimes the fact that there is experience behind the voice will make you think twice.
Since I moved to Louisiana, there is so much I have learned about women and being a woman in general, and I am still learning. I am beginning to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Men see a pretty package and think, " Oh, she got her stuff together" only to later realize they have only gotten themselve a big kids meal supersized, so they are not totally at fault when you find out they added someone else to the team to fill in for your shortcomings. Now imagine what it would be like to be truly ahead of the game. Imagine that you do not have to take the fall because someone has already did it for you. In the Cubicles: A Novel by Camika Spencer, the main character, Faulkner, is in the middle of a 30 ( I believe that is the amount, been a while) year feud between two coworkers/ best friends, and she does not know. The woman she dislikes the most holds insights that could prevent Faulkner from experiencing things to come, but... I will let you read the book. Anyway, the twists always had me thinking, and I do not like "what if's."
When I do a recording, I am taking in every word on camera and off. The things on camera are saved and published, but the things off camera are saved and practiced. I have some ways to go getting SwagHer off the ground, but I am storing all this knowledge so in time I will produce something not only unforgettable but also unbreakable, and not just SwagHer Magazine, but also ME. I feel like I am storing up power to release a storm. I see the progress in myself. I can mark off some of those characteristics on my list now.
If you are not understanding all of this right now, in time you will see. My mission is to empower women, to educate and enlighten, but we shall venture on this journey together. That is why I keep this blog, because I am living my life publicly. When I am soaring ,you can see it, and you can see it when I am falling. I am the biggest advocate for keeping it real. Now yes, I do want to get paid, because I am true Libra to the fullest, loving beautiful people and beautiful things, and Trident cannot pay for all I am desiring. I know that it is coming, so for now I am living off the intangible.
-Fancy, 24 hrs from Greatness
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)